Rauhia knows nothing about birthday. Neither did I give her prize I prepared because the condition did not allow me to do so. As soon as I remebered, that day, I simly kissed and huged her many times while greeting her birthday. She responded just as the same as everytime I communicate and cuddle with her. However, I still felt like so blessed to have a first whole year as her mother, nurture her, breastfeed her, bathe her, accompany her, feed her, sleep with her and the cutest one, listen to her say something like ‘momma... mommmaaa’.
There was still no smart phone on my hand at that time so I had no documentation at all. It did not decrease my happiness as it was also the first time I could stay with her without thinking about any Latsar schedule or whether I am already late to come to any scheduled agenda. It was also such a cure of the bad experience when she needed to move out from BDK through the awkward and long series of, let say, drama.
***
In the last days of her 0-year, she experienced many surprising things that I wish, some day, she would learn a lot from. I know that for now, she does not really understand about what happens in her surrounding. For the very first time, she might question about what hectic her momma was in preparing the departure and how stubborn she was to bring her away from home in such a hard condition just to maintain the breastfeed program. She also a back and forth trip twice with unprecendented distance she ever had from home to Surabaya.
The pre-departure preparation took very much of my attention that it led other people to misunderstand about what I really did and concern about. Rauhia was on my side—and my arm—when I clarified that everything was not like what it was thaught. She was also with me for the first visit to BDK when I was informed about the special room—and policy—for any participant with the baby. Fortunately, she was ok during the trip and there was no serious bad thing except the ‘accident’ at the mosque where she and I also had a very late lunch.
The visit was, again, her first long trip that I could make it certain that she would be ok for any long-distance trip. Thankfully. She did not look that excited for riding a car in long time, the same condition when looking at the big city scene and its crowd. At general, she was unexpressive and looked like thinking much about what she looks at before giving any expression or response. She could sleep well and it helped me a lot to enjoy the trip and manage my excitement and nerve to, let say, go to school again,
For my myself, the trip learned technically—and perhaps emotionally—about bringing the baby in a trip so for the next, I could be more prepared. Above all, Rauhia was cooperative that I could focus to the thing I need to concentrate about. Hopefully she would be getting more cooperative in upcoming days.
***
Arriving for the second time at BDK which signified the stay, Rauhia needed to cope with everything and everyone new, except me her momma. She spent much of first day not with me as I needed to handle registration process, opening ceremony and so forth. She complained and cried loudly a lot and I felt like she had never been that spoiled. She looked very worry when I looked like about to leave, even for very short time like going to bathroom or doing prayers. It was very perhaps hard for her to accept that she moved into a very new planet.
At the second day, she needed to become her momma’s power when the drama started and she was required to move out from BDK very soon. She saw my tear many times when I felt like desperate and everything was unfair. Why was I told something different from what it was suppossed to be? Thankfully there are always good guys after various—let say—bad guys come. Many new friends helped me a lot to find the proper and comfotable boarding house for Rauhia. They gave me encouraging visits, supports and even technical helps like lending car, accompanying in the field and others.
I could not forget that she was in my arm when I failed to negotiate about her stay when some officers took off in the day off—June 1—that day. As typical, she just paid attention on the surrounding, turned left and turned right then hugged me firmly as like saying, Momma, what are you doing here? Who are these guys? I could not bear any tear (but I wiped up immediately) wishing she did not know I was crying. It would be ok if I came by me myself, but if with her—and her nanni—the condition would be very much different. She could not wait to stay in a comfortable place to assure her health kept well in a new place.
To be short, thankfully, on 2nd of May, four days before her birthday, she and her nanny moved to a boarding house—into some extent it looks like a home stay or a mini-hotel—not far from BDK. Some friends of mine helped a lot in moving time—at the afternoon, that day—so I felt so blessed to have them while I was away from family and relatives. It is true that I need to pay more, even much more than any cost I paid to rent a room, yet the fact that I was relieved on it is a very much big blessing. I could focus on my lessons and my baby stayed in a ‘secure’ and comfortable zone without any threat of extradition.
The first days of her a-year-toddler status are mainly about learning how to walk without holding to anybody or anything and enjoying a kinda luxurious room she spend most of her time in. She began to take bath while standing up, spending time with Air Conditioner and TV, meeting her momma in a bigger frequency than usual, eating various new foods and snacks and seeing new views while introducing with new people. She was still so expressive when looking at me come to her and hurry to find the center of her main food. What else I could thank for this blessing and happiness?
***
Talking about her first birthday also implies the day one previous year when I struggled to give her birth. Those seconds, minutes and hours are the things that I think I could not forget forever. It was such magical ability that I could endure the suffering in a couple of hours without thinking much about death and other bad things. I simply believed that I could give her birth in natural way and what I waited for is just the right time so I must keep trying and focusing on the purpose to push and push when the stimulus came up. Again, I need to say yes to people who state that the whole suffering of giving birth would disappear as soon as the baby comes. Rauhia did not cry directly yet I was sure she was alive as I saw her little move. The assistant of a midwife who helped me did something with pipes and she cried loudly. It officially ratified my new status as a mother.
As a typical mother, I wish nothing but the best for her. May she stay healthy, well grown up, cheerfully learning many things new on her upcoming days, and be ready for the life ahed. Rauhia, if you read this later, you need to know that you may cound your age by number but in my eyes, you are still the baby who could not do anything but crying, drinking the breastmilk and doing some little cuddley moves. Be well prepared for your shinning days, My Dear! I pray and love you everytime I breathe. I do.
image: http://welcometowillowlane.com/2017/07/23/1st-birthday-party-ideas/
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